I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*