I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.