“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice