I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶