“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
This January has 47 Mondays
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?