“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Bros before Ohioes
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.