“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI