“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
never forget
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.