“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.