“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.