I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
#FunnyLife Insects
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake