“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
When you kidnap a writer.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed