Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂