Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Who did it better?

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda