I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
You Might Also Like
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Doctors texting each other.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards