i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Sorry. Not sorry
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks