i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
me when somebody idk start touching me
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real