Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean