I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*