Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

Noted.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please