I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.