I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
hackers play passwordle
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night