I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me