I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
the last thing a carrot sees
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese