I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I unironically love this joke.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.