Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.