I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?