I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Am I having a stroke?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds