i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
is this meant to deter me
you stereotypes are all alike
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
