i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
So, can we agree on 4 or
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
