i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
