I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
found my next D&D character name
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.