I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.