I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
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The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time