I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
The Book. The Movie.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
