Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Spell check is for lasers.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.