I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.