Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!