I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*pronounces fake like saké*
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
so weird how every mom was born today
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
me linking you to my twitter
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.