Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

This is so me 😂😂

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

TWEET CALL

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