I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
This is my brand.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
