Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

The first matador

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

this is the best interaction on twitter

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

New tinder profile pic

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning