I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.