Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”