Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money