Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

I used the label maker

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

So the ex texted me

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Air conditioning – not a fan

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.