Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

barbara was highly relatable

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

la cocaina

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

I can’t stop laughing 🤣