i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.