Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

the red hot silly peppers

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

*goes back in time

*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.