i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Nothing.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.