i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.