i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I can’t be the only one 😂
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
This could be us but you eatin’
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.