I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
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rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”