I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
this is the best day of my life
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?