Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.