Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7