I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
You Might Also Like
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town