Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone