What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
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Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My neck, my back, my…
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I hope it’s French Onion!
next level snooze
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.