Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

I love it all

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?