Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

He just like my cat fr

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.