I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something