Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*