I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Travel bloggers during quarantine
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.