I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess