I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Friends that check up on you >
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.