Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

so weird how every mom was born today

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.