Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”

New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met