i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.