I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.