I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
🤣😂🤣😂
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APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other