I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
That’s what I call a flat tire
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why