Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.