I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
San Francisco has too many rules
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh