Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.