“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?