Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

I’ve had worse

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?