I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Thrilling chase underway
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater