Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

twitter is a journey

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions