I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.