Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

🤫

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche