I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”