[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
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The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Breaking news:
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE