Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!