Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

True

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?

Me: Which one helps with reflux?

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?